Friday Night In
Yesterday, we had plans to go out for some late afternoon/evening beers with some friends and colleagues from our department. I was really looking forward to it—for whatever reason, this week has felt very long. Long days teaching. Long days with Lila—I don’t know if she’s about to pop out a few more teeth, but lately, sister has been IN. A. MOOD.
So all day yesterday, when she was crying for no reason, or screaming, or trying to step directly from her chair to the jumperoo AGAIN, I kept thinking—just a few more hours, and then we’ll get to have a little bit of adult time. With, ahem, adult beverages.
Then our nanny cancelled.
Apparently she was throwing up everywhere. I was still temped to say, “Hey, it’s fine—Lila probably won’t catch it! Why don’t you just come on over here and watch her anyway?”
Alas, my better judgment told me that that probably wasn’t a good idea.
So, ever-loving wife that I am, I told Ryan to go on to the bar and hang out with our friends. Lila was down for a nap, and I was going to use the time to get some grading done. Very kind and mature of me, right?
Sometimes being mature sucks. As I sat at my desk, grading freshman composition essays and drinking warm water with lemon, I couldn’t help but feel a little jaded about the turn the afternoon and evening had taken.
That night, after Lila had eaten and been put to bed, we fixed a very simple dinner of grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup:
…and we watched “Girls” for the first time. I finally understand all of the hype. I loved it. It took me back so much to what it feels like to be 24, totally without a clue about where your life is going, and just…floating.
Sometimes I look at my students at 19, 20, 21 years old, and I think—that doesn’t feel like that long ago. But then I watch a show like “Girls,” and I know that somehow, almost without even realizing it, I’ve moved beyond that phase, and I’ll never get it back. I’m probably the farthest away from “floating” that I’ve ever been—I have a husband, a baby, a house, a job…and while all of those things are wonderful, sometimes they do feel like weight. Because they carry a lot of responsibility with them. And responsibility is scary, and hard.
But it carries with it its own excitement. This morning, it randomly snowed for about 2.5 seconds, so we rushed Lila outside so that she could feel snow for the first time:
I may not be a girl anymore. But—she is. And that, to me, is exciting, and sweet, and so, so terrifying, all at once.
Have a great Saturday!