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Got Milk?

April 13, 2012

Ummmm…nope.

Hello, hello…is it Friday already?  I can’t believe almost a full week has passed since this sweet face came into our lives:

DSC_0163

Crazy! I have a feeling the next few weeks (months, years) are going to fly.  Lila, don’t leave for college just yet, okay?

Things are going okay.  I mentioned in my last post that I wanted to talk about some of the things we’ve been dealing with in this period of great adjustment.  Honestly, Lila is an amazingly awesome baby (KNOCK on wood)—she’s a BIG sleeper, and basically sleeps the day away, only waking up to eat.  About half the time, we have to wake her up if she needs to eat—I think she’d honestly sleep for 6 hours at a stretch if we’d let her…which would be great for our own sleep, but not great for baby’s development.  🙂

It’s the eating that’s the problem.

Like many women, I assumed breastfeeding would come easily for me.  Not because I’d heard it was easy—in fact, I felt pretty informed on how difficult it can be.  I’d read blog posts, listened to podcasts, heard from friends who told me how incredibly hard it could be.  I knew it was a possibility.

But in the back of my head, I think I just thought, “Not me.” 

Well…it’s me.

Although I think women are being a little more open about how difficult breastfeeding can be, I still think the majority of what you hear is more along the lines of how totally natural it is for both mom and baby.  That you just put the baby to the breast early on in the hospital, baby roots around, sometimes literally inches towards the nipple, finds it, and voila! You’re both breastfeeding! 

Um.  No.

We’re facing problems from both ends here.  Lila was having major trouble latching.  She was doing okay in the hospital—and by okay, I mean that after 10 minutes of red-faced, wailing frustrated cries, with the help of a nurse, I could finally force her onto the nipple and get her to feed for about 10 minutes—enough to get some colostrum, but certainly not enough for her to thrive once my milk actually came in. 

Ironically, this proved to not be as big a problem as I thought it would be, because my milk just isn’t coming in.  The lactation consultant we met with in the hospital said that my milk should be in by Wednesday at the latest, and here we are on Friday, still waiting for that flow.

Once we got home on Monday, things went from bad to worse on Lila’s end—she was totally rejecting any type of feeding at the breast, shaking her head, crying until she was red in the face and I was breaking down in sobs.  We began to use a nipple shield, which worked for about 2 feedings, but then she quickly grew frustrated with that as well.  It quickly became clear that even with the nipple shield and a latch from Lila, she just wasn’t getting anything.  Her diapers had all but stopped—no wet or poopy diapers to be seen. 

On Tuesday, we visited another lactation consultant who told me that her tongue was the trouble—but as I told Ryan, if I don’t have milk, it doesn’t matter how great  a latch she can get.  We left the lactation consultant with a bag full of different supplements designed to build milk supply and a hospital grade pump.  I was going to try pumping to build my supply—if the only breast milk Lila was going to get would be from a pumped bottle, well, that was better than nothing.

Well, I’ve been pumping since Tuesday, and my milk is still negligible.  My right breast literally gets nothing—I can pump for up to 45 minutes from it, and there will be a tiny dot of breast milk sitting in the pump flange when I’m done.  My left breast is a little better—but I think it only seems better in comparison to the right.  I’ve been pumping the left every 2-3 hours and coming away with less than half an ounce each time—not even enough to fully cover the bottom of the bottle.

Today, we’re going to visit the lactation consultant again to get advice on where to move forward from here.  I’m all about pumping if I can build up an actual flow of milk—but if pumping every two hours still isn’t yielding real results, obviously I’d rather spend that time enjoying our sweet little baby. 

On Tuesday night, we broke down and gave Lila her first bottle of formula…and honestly, instead of feeling guilty or sad, I felt relieved.  It was nice to see her sweet little face sucking at something—and actually getting nutrients from it!   We met with our pediatrician on Wednesday, and he assured us that we did the right thing.  He encouraged me to keep trying with the breastfeeding, but to supplement with formula in the meantime.

Still, as relieved as I was to give her that formula, it’s been an emotional week here.  I don’t think I knew how much I wanted to breastfeed until it was taken away from me…and now it feels like such a failure and disappointment that this is a part of new motherhood that I might have to sit out.  I hate it that my body can’t do “what’s natural” and provide everything this little girls needs to thrive and grow.  Still, I know that this is probably just one of the first times of many where things aren’t going to go exactly as I’d hoped or planned, and I think it’s best for all of us (me, Ryan, and Lila) to simply deal with it and move on instead of dwelling on how we’d wanted things to be.  I can bend over backwards and drive myself (and Lila) crazy with frustration trying to force breastfeeding to work in some form, or I can accept the fact that sometimes life doesn’t go the way you want it to go, thank my blessings that formula exists, and put my focus and energy into getting to know our sweet girl.

I know this is a long post, but I do think it’s important to talk about these things.  Again, so much of what we hear about breastfeeding is that it’s totally natural, if it hurts, you’re doing it wrong, it’s going to be easy, etc…and I wanted to put it out there that this just isn’t the case for some women.  And unfortunately, I seem to be one of them.

Thanks for listening, and I hope you have a great weekend!

37 Comments leave one →
  1. TWan permalink
    April 13, 2012 1:36 pm

    I also can’t beleive it’s been a week already and thanks for starting this post with such a beautiful picture of Lila. We’re expecting our first in June and I plan on semi-bf (meaning I plan on exclusively pumping) and your post brought something to mind that I hadn’t thought of. What if the milk doesn’t come? 😐 I guess I just assumed it would…sigh.

    As far as what you’re going through I heard there are things you can take to help make the milk come but I haven’t done any research on that. I wonder if it’s something your LC can help with or maybe like you said be grateful that formula exist, use it and continue to learn that sweet lil’ girl of yours.

    Thanks again for sharing.

  2. April 13, 2012 1:46 pm

    Aww, I’m sure this is beyond frustrating for you. But in the words of my mother when my “perfect” natural birth plan went awry- “Welcome to parenthood, where nothing goes as planned!” 🙂 A French friend of mine told me that drinking a very dark beer helps milk to come in. It was likely a coincidence, but it seemed to work for me. Wishing you lots of luck and patience- breastfeeding is a complex relationship, no doubt. However you feed your baby, just know that she’s nourished by loving parents and her support system in this strange new world, not just by what she’s eating.

    • April 13, 2012 2:03 pm

      Thanks Lauren! I’ve been drinking Guiness every night…I mean, twist my arm, right? At the very least, it’s helping me to relax, ha. 🙂

    • Marcee permalink
      April 13, 2012 9:46 pm

      Beer in general works wonders for some bf moms.

  3. April 13, 2012 2:04 pm

    I am so sorry that it’s not going as smoothly as you would have hoped and that it’s been one thing after the next. Trust me, I remember the early days and how hard it was…all my own struggles were in part what caused me to become a lactation educator! There are so many variables and things that can contribute to it all and I could write a book here but just remember you’re a fabulous mom, you’re doing the best you can, Lila loves you, and just keep your chin up and know you’re doing an amazing job 🙂

    • Marcee permalink
      April 13, 2012 9:57 pm

      Yes …. I agree.

      To each their own. Everyone has different body make-ups Anna. Completely unnecessary to beat yourself up. The main thing = YOU TRIED!

      So many new mamas try. Some are more successful than others. My sister bf her kids until they were 3 and 4!!! Really. I could never. But, obviously, it worked for her.

      I’ve had countless friends that bf. Only to find out their infant was not doing well, hadn’t gained weight and looked malnourished. As soon these babies were introduced to formulas …. wowwow …. what an amazing and total difference.

      You are doing great with Lila! As long as the baby is taking food, no worries Anna. Eat great food yourself. You need calories now.

      Have a wonderful weekend! Your girl is absolutely adorable. Love Lila’s dark hair. Sweet!

  4. April 13, 2012 2:05 pm

    Oh Anna, I’m sorry it’s not been going well. It sounds like you have a grasp on the issue and are dealing with it. Good luck!

  5. Sarah Tooke Pittman permalink
    April 13, 2012 2:12 pm

    Hey Anna! Your post reads how I felt about 5 years ago with Parker. I always joked that I only produce skim milk for my kiddos. You think you get the hang of it and then the doctor tells you they have not grown since the last week; maybe just a few ounces. I wanted a pound gosh darn it!! I mulled/cried over it for a couple of weeks and realized formula was the best option for Parker and he thrived. When Eloise came along I thought let’s give it a try again and see if baby 2 will bring a better supply. Once again, my body just did not respond and so my kids were formula babies. Don’t give up if this is what you want for Lila but also don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Whatever decision you make for you and Lila will be the right decision b/c you are the Momma!! She is beautiful and I hope to meet her someday soon. Hang in there 🙂 Sarah

  6. Lee Peterson permalink
    April 13, 2012 2:26 pm

    Hi Anna! While I have heard many a similar story and like how you’re giving yourself a break, two things I’d suggest are: a. laying your naked babe on your naked chest for like, a day or two, as much “skin on skin” contact as you can–advice from a La Leche consultant here that helped me tons–and b. a tea from Traditional Medicinals called Organic Mother’s Milk (we can find at Martin’s, so I’m sure you can somewhere down there) that actually upped my milk so much I had to stop using it. But if none of this works, read a few pages of Bringing up Bebe on the subject of nursing–French women mostly don’t!–and you’ll feel better, and maybe a little French! There’s so much press in the U.S. about how it makes kids smarter, stronger etc. But we are SO obsessed with statistics and competitiveness, both of which drive us and our kids to distraction stateside. Don’t you think all those French babies are turning into intelligent adults? Um, yeah! So try not to worry. You’re right, that is parenting–full of surprises, not all of them good. You’re doing a great job!!!! Remember that above all else. xxoo Lee

  7. April 13, 2012 2:40 pm

    okay, so I’m sure you have gotten all the advice in the book — I don’t want to add any more unnecessarily! But, your milk will not come in unless you are getting enough calories, sleep, and water. I don’t think enough people tell you how much water you need to drink. Like gallons. (well, not really gallons, but lots) And I’m sure it is not as simple as “drink water and all will be fine!” but I did want to put in two cents for water. Hope it gets easier on the nipple front! Honestly, pumping and nursing is SO painful at first!!! Sending you all my good thoughts…(and, mother’s milk tea is great—it totally helped me!)

  8. April 13, 2012 2:46 pm

    Not a mom, but I’ve got plenty of friends with kids. One friend never was able to nurse with her first child, but did fine with her second. And I’m glad to hear that it was a sense of relief with the bottle – that’s at least she’s being nourished.

  9. April 13, 2012 2:48 pm

    Oh Anna, I feel your pain. I went through the same thing with T, including feeling really negatively towards myself for not breast feeding successfully. I probably did not seek the support I needed like you are doing, but in the end I still kept trying to feed in addition to using formula for the first six weeks or so. I like to think she got the collostrum. We ended up using formula because she was losing so much weight and my milk was simply not kicking in. The silver lining is that she is one of the healthiest, happiest, brightest kids I know regardless of the pressure “to breast feed or else.” Hugs!!!!

    • April 13, 2012 2:53 pm

      Oh and my friend Summer has a small business called Mothering Herbs out in Florence. Among other things, she makes great lactation support tea. I’m sure she could mail it.

  10. Ali permalink
    April 13, 2012 3:00 pm

    Anna, she is SO beautiful! My son had a full head of dark hair just like hers when he was born! And he is now 21 weeks and still has all of it! It has actually lightened up and grown longer! I was so worried he would lose it all! You are doing a wonderful job … at least you are making a GREAT effort to nurse! Some wouldn’t even try as hard as you! But you are right, when it becomes too stressful, you have to ultimately do what is best for baby, and momma… and spend your energy loving on that precious little girl!! I don’t know if anyone has mentioned MotherLove products… like the More Milk Special Blend or More Milk Plus. Also, I have heard some women swear by Go Lacta products. Just some thoughts. Hoping it gets easier for you guys! I love all the pictures! Hang in there! ~Ali

  11. Stacey permalink
    April 13, 2012 3:12 pm

    Hang in there, Anna. Lila is happy and healthy whether her milk comes from boob or bottle. I think we build these big dreams of what our birth stories and motherhood will look like and if it doesn’t turn out just as we’d expected, we (erroneously) label it a failure.I had my son in November, and that first month was equal parts wonderful and an emotional roller coaster. I cried so hard sometimes that my husband thought I’d pop a blood vessel! I think you can have “big feelings” that are conflicting and most certainly not mutually exclusive. I can see how deliriously, overwhelmingly happy you are which is exactly how I felt. I also felt freaking exhausted, hormonal, and quite frankly, missed my “old life” that I’d known for 31 years. 5 plus months in, and we’re all doing great and adjusting to the new normal. I felt guilty talking about any feelings of sadness during such a happy time, but the more I talk to other moms, the more I recognize that these conflicting feelings can co-exist peacefully and work themselves out. A big hug to you, Mama. You’re doing an awesome job. Hugs from your reader, Stacey, in Boston.

    • Ali permalink
      April 13, 2012 3:29 pm

      Oh wow Stacey… every word of what you just wrote is EXACTLY how I felt/feel! (I had my son on November 17, 2011). Aren’t all the changes that have taken place from last November to today just amazing? You are exactly right about the ‘new normal’ …. I don’t know how many times I asked my husband (through my tears) ‘will I ever feel normal again?’ And yep, I think I’ve said I miss my ‘old life’ more than once or twice 😉 And you are so right… talking to other moms is a huge help! That’s why I wanted to reply… just to kind of say ‘thanks’ for once again reminding me that what I’m feeling is normal… well, the new normal 😉 And it’s all SO worth it! ~Ali

      • Stacey permalink
        April 13, 2012 5:14 pm

        Awww, Ali, I feel the love! Thanks for responding. I had a wonderful visiting nurse come to my house 3 days post partum. I told her guiltily, through tears, that I missed my old life. She was so reassuring and said, “Of course you do. You’re a person with 31 years on this earth with passions and dreams all your own. You have to mourn the loss of your old life before you can accept the wonder of what is to be.” Oh God, I get a lump in my throat just typing that. Her words made me feel so liberated. Glad you’re also adjusting to the “new normal.” A little spring weather goes a long way with that. When it comes time for #2, I might try to plan on a summer birthday when the days are a little longer and filled with more sunlight! Hugs to you and your prince 🙂

  12. April 13, 2012 3:21 pm

    Good luck trying to get that milk flowing. I’m sure that has to be extremely frustrating. My husband apparently refused to breast-feed as an infant, but he hasn’t suffered visibly in intelligence or anything else. He’s now a psych resident. 🙂 So don’t let it worry you too much.
    As far as the formula goes though, I don’t know if there’s any truth to this, but my mother claims that she’s read something about formula that’s made in China having some unhealthy stuff in it that shouldn’t be there, so… just in case… you might want to check out where your formula is manufactured.
    Other than that, enjoy your beautiful baby, whether the milk ever comes or not!

  13. April 13, 2012 3:33 pm

    First of all, I feel privileged that you read and commented on my blog when I know you’re so busy with beautiful Lila!

    Second, I always heard of the baby not latching on, but I didn’t realize your milk could just not come in! That’s so frustrating, but I’m glad you’re going with the flow (ick, awful pun not intended)! Good luck with everything, hopefully it all works itself out soon!

  14. April 13, 2012 3:45 pm

    Breastfeeding is so hard! So so hard. Audrey didn’t get back to her birth weight until she was three weeks old. My milk took five days to come in. I had to pump and give her bottles bc she was admitted to the hospital due to her jaundice levels when she was four days old. I told the LC that I didn’t think my milk had come in-she reminded me that their stomachs are tiny and if any milk was coming out then it was in. It is such a stressful time! Im sure you’ve heard it all but lots of water, oatmeal, skin to skin helped me. Good luck mama, you are doing great!

  15. Laura permalink
    April 13, 2012 3:46 pm

    Dear Anna. First, Lila is lovely. Second, thanks for your openness here. As much as I’m all about empowering women and going “natural” and all that, I worry about one strand of feminism (and attachment parenting, and le leche, for all the good they might do) that has prescribed a new ideal for mothering. And really, when has one size *ever* fit all? Lila has two AMAZING parents who, I’ve no doubt, are bonding with her in all sorts of beautiful ways right now. I wish you much luck with the breastfeeding, but I have no doubt you’re giving your baby all she needs either way. (Hugs.)

  16. Jamie Hickner permalink
    April 13, 2012 4:15 pm

    Anna, I am so proud of you–for carrying and birthing such a beautiful, healthy baby! I hope that your milk comes in–and I suspect it will–but if you end up feeding Lila formula, you will still have your beautiful, healthy baby! One piece of advice that my lactation consultant gave was that the breasts are not a “storage facility,” but rather are a “production facility.” The more she sucks, the more your hormones get cued to produce. If she keeps sucking, your supply should increase. There were a couple of days where I didn’t believe this, and then, magically, the milk (and honey!) started to flow! (I say that not to make you think, geez, how nice for Jamie, but rather, it can change suddenly, from a drip to a torrent!). Proper latch makes sure that your don’t wear your nipples out while you’re priming the pump. I also used the tea by Traditional Medicinals called Mothers Milk. It’s worth a try! Anyways, I hope your milk comes soon, and whatever happens, your body has just done the most amazing thing it will ever do (until next time!), so rest and celebrate how amazing you are! Amazing!

  17. April 13, 2012 4:47 pm

    Your baby is gorgeous! Congrats!! 🙂

    My mother wasn’t able to breastfeed me at all, but there is so much better advice and options today. I hope things get better for you. Enjoy your sweet bundle of joy!

  18. April 13, 2012 4:52 pm

    Hi there! Just found your blog today 🙂 I actually had sort of the same experience as you. I delivered my baby girl in October and she was born at a strictly breastfeeding hospital. Nothing went as planned for me…I ended up having an emergency c-section after being in the hospital for 2 days. My milk took forever to come in. The nurses/lactation specialists told me that my milk might take a little longer to come in because of the c-section. They even gave us a few bottles to supplement because she had lost almost 10% of her body weight. My husband had to go back to work so I was at home trying to feed my baby through a little tube attached to my breast so she wouldn’t get nipple confusion. We stopped supplementing and I started to breast feed. About a week into it (I will always remember this day) I was home alone with her and she would nurse and then sleep 5 minutes then wake up crying again. It was like that ALL DAY LONG. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I didn’t know what was wrong. I finally broke down and gave her more formula and she finally slept. The next day I took her to a workshop where they weigh the baby to see how much milk they are actually getting. She nursed on BOTH sides for a whole hour strait and got 1 measly ounce for me. She was hungry. And I wasn’t producing enough. The nurse told me to pump 12x a day, take all these fenugreek pills, and nurse on top of that. I tried it for a few days. It was just so draining on me. I had no help at home since my husband had to work. I finally just gave up and nursed whatever I could give her and supplement the rest. I stuck this routine out for 5.5 months barely getting 2 oz every time I pumped when she was eating 6 oz. Every time my supply would go up a little, she would get older and eat more. I know they say, supplementing is bad for your milk supply but I couldn’t just let her NOT eat while my body decided to catch up. I didn’t feel like it was right. She was loosing too much weight and the nurses advised me to supplement. It’s also hard to hear my friends brag how their milk supply is like a cow. I still feel like I failed even for supplementing and I know I shouldn’t but I think it’s just part of being a mom. I didn’t expect myself to have problems either. I didn’t expect to have a c-section, but that’s what happened. My doctor told me that in the end all that matters is that you have a strong and healthy baby and I try to keep telling myself that. I wish you all the luck with BF-ing and if it doesn’t work out, try not to be so hard on yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you that if you just pumped enough the milk will come (I had a woman tell me that when I told her I supplemented). Deep down you’ll know what’s best for you and your baby 🙂

  19. Elizabeth permalink
    April 13, 2012 6:17 pm

    i went through this exact same thing. I waited 10 days for my milk to come in, and it never did. What little bit there was dried up overnight. I tried lots of tricks and nothing worked. I thought at first I would just pump because she was a lazy nurser and then give her formula to make up the difference. It got so time consuming to pump and get next to nothing and then fix bottles too. I started to develp a true hatred for the pump. Like I almost had to tie myself to the chair to finish! Once I finally made the decision to just use formula I felt so much better. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I just couldn’t believe I had so little milk. New babies are hard and me struggling with breastfeeding wasn’t making our situation any better. I still have a little bit of guilt about it, but now my daughter is almost 3 and perfectly healthy. I plan on trying it again with the next baby but if it doesn’t work I’m not going to be so hard on myself. Good luck with everything and take time to enjoy your new girl, they grow fast!

  20. April 13, 2012 8:42 pm

    I so feel for you! I had friends who went right to formula. Its totally not worth stressing over! You have to do what you have to do- right? Everyones bodies are different and the main goal is to have a happy & full baby! Heart ya!

  21. Patti permalink
    April 13, 2012 9:47 pm

    I have already had some milk maker cookies sent to you. Hopefully you will get them in the next day or 2

  22. April 13, 2012 10:16 pm

    Oh Anna, I’m sorry this has been a tough few days. I imagine this is beyond frustrating but it does sound like you’re doing all the right things and you shouldn’t feel the least bit guilty giving Lila formula. She will love you just the same!

  23. April 14, 2012 11:52 am

    I’m sorry you are going through this but you certainly are handling it well. You are doing the right thing for you and Lila! Hope your milk comes in soon. ❤ Thank you for sharing!

  24. Jeni permalink
    April 14, 2012 12:20 pm

    Hey gurl,
    Coming from someone who isn’t a mother yet, and isn’t thinking about it for a while, my response might not have the same supportive value as from readers who are mommas. But I just wanted to say that in the world of healthy living (and there are a lot of new mommas in the blog world) there does seem to be a big emphasis on breast feeding, the same as there is for natural birth. While I think this is all great, I just wanted to commend you for doing something I consider very healthy and natural- turning to people who care and read your blog for advice and support, being flexible in your plans, and putting what’s best for you and your daughter (both physically and mentally) first. Lila is lucky to have such mom!

  25. April 14, 2012 7:59 pm

    Number 1, Lila is 100% perfection! She is absolutely beautiful 🙂
    I couldn’t breastfeed my first two kids, it just didn’t work for either of us and by the time my 3rd was born, I decided I would try, but if it didn’t work, so be it. I was amazed that it actually did work and I breastfed him for about 13 months. My official stance on the great breastfeeding vs formula scandal? Who gives a rat’s ass…as long as the baby is fed and loved, that’s what really matters!!!!

  26. April 14, 2012 8:37 pm

    I have to say I’m so glad to decided to write about this. Breastfeeding really can be SO hard. Even though my milk came in after a few days, breastfeeding was extremely painful for me when I started out with both my kids even though there was nothing wrong with their latch. Honestly, I fear the first few weeks (or maybe months) of nursing more than I fear giving birth to this baby even though I breastfed both my kids to 12 months+, lol! I can’t imagine how frustrating and emotional this last week has been. I’m so impressed with how much you’ve tried so far, in just the short amount of time that she’s been here. In the end, I hope you don’t feel guilty for giving Lila formula – it may not be what you wanted, but it’s best for her in this case! You’re doing such a great job!

  27. April 15, 2012 9:02 pm

    Any improvement over the weekend? You mentioned that Lila’s tongue could be causing some latching issues. Do you remember that we had Sam’s tongue “clipped” when he was about two weeks old? It was dreadful for us to watch, but he was over it in about three minutes, and then he latched like an old pro. Of course, that won’t help to resolve your problems with production. I hope the pumping/supplements are working for you! But if not, I know you’ll do the right thing for Lila, and she will thrive!

  28. April 16, 2012 11:00 am

    My mom tried so hard to continue breast feeding me, and like you she felt guilty when she couldn’t. I think as long as the baby gets some (especially at the very beginning) that’s best. You can only do so much, right?! I mean it would be nice if you could snap your fingers and produce milk, but sometimes it’s not that easy, and you can’t produce miracles. Focusing on your new bundle of joy is what really matters!

  29. April 16, 2012 9:12 pm

    Oh Anna, I’m sorry breastfeeding is not going as planned for you. You have to remember that you are such an amazing mom and you are completely doing what is right for Lila. Unfortunately, life as a parent never really seems to go as planned. So, you do the best you can. I question myself everyday with the boys. How in the world do you know if you’re doing the right thing? All you can do is make the best decision you can for the health and happiness of your family. It sounds like you have made exactly the right choice. Keep your chin up! You are already proving to be an amazing mom!

  30. April 17, 2012 1:43 am

    So sorry Anna! I can completely understand the feeling of being frusterated with your body. I feel like it is so natural for women have a baby and struggling with the miscarriages has made me feel inadequate and like my body is failing me and Keith. Keep you positive spirit up and I personally think the formula was a very smart idea. Hang in there friend.

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